I want to be cremated

I have always wanted to be cremated.

I'll come straight to the point; I have always wanted to be cremated. It's a morbid topic so I won't dwell, but I was concerned when I read in The Observer last week that the government is being forced to clamp down on where families scatter their loved ones ashes, now that 70% of people are cremated, a rise from only a third up until the Sixties.

Mountain tops, gardens, football grounds, rivers upstream of a water source, lakes, parks, golf courses - all popular choices, and now all big no-no's. One hint of an urn being smuggled into Jane Austen’s house and grounds and you'll probably see someone official surging towards you shaking an authoritative forefinger.

So it got me thinking; what are my options? Hopefully not something I need to consider for a few, or 50 years, however, I like to plan ahead. Here are my top three choices.

1) If she's still alive, can you please send me to Anthea Turner? I don’t mind admitting that I like house work. I said it. I like house work.
I think she would have some great ideas for my ashes. She would probably find a clever way to turn them into some sort of shake and vac by mixing them with lavender oil and cinnamon.

2) I would quite like to be put into my compost in the back garden. I am a big recycler and was thrilled to find that you could buy composting worms online. Online! I know, the internet really is king. So, a kilo arrived - by City Link and they were quickly installed in their new home. The government has banned mountain top ash scattering because the phosphates added to the soil can overstimulate plant growth. I wonder if putting my ashes in the compost would cause the composting worms to grow to ten times their usual size. Its got to be worth finding out surely?

3) If options 1 and 2 fail to gain approval from my nearest and dearest, then maybe I could go to the moon? Now, in 2009 people are paying for flights to the moon, so by the time I am 'the dearly departed', maybe you'll be able to have your ashes taken to outer space? I wonder if I should start saving now though....

Over and out...


p.s. We hope no offence is caused to those who do not wish to be cremated, or think about dying, death and the like.